Lies Within My Heart
by Meilin Li
Summary: [AU] A chilling discovery has turned Haley James’ life upside down. It takes place after, “With Arms Outstretched.” Her relationships with her friends, as well as with her parents and her siblings are pushed further to the edge as the days linger
1. Prologue

**Lies within My Heart**

By: Meilin Li

Disclaimer:  The credit does not go to me.

Rated: PG

AN: Nathan mentioned is not Nathan Scott.

_Prologue_

     Close your eyes

     And I will be swimming

     Lullabies fill your room

     And I will be singing

     Singing to only you

     Don't forget I'll hold your head

     Watch the night sky fading red.

                     --As You Sleep   _Something Corporate_

The sunrise used to be my favorite time of the day because it reminded me of a fresh new beginning.  It was the time when the whole world was born again, in the light of the sun.  Dew clung to the grass, birds chirped their welcome and everything was quiet and peaceful as people stopped to marvel at the beginning of a brand new day.  

I would scramble to wake up at five in the morning just so I could watch the sunrise with my older brother on days like that.  The ritual started when I was seven and he was sixteen.  We had a special relationship, since I was the baby and he was one of the middle children.  

His name was Nathan and we connected in ways we couldn't with our other siblings.  Even though he was so much older than I, he always seemed to find time just for me.  He was fond of all his siblings, but especially of me, the baby of the family.  

He would take the blame sometimes, for things that I did and get grounded as punishment.  I used to feel horribly guilty, but you know what he told me?  He sat me down one day and said, "Being grounded isn't so bad, I get to spend more time with my baby sister right Hales?"  This had warranted him a huge tackling bear hug from a slip of an eight year old. 

My brother had an amazing voice.  The lullabies he sang to me used to put me straight to sleep.  Whether I was distressed, terrified, or miserable his serene voice used to calm me.  It amazed me then that someone could sing that beautifully and still be human.  And I used to tell him, "You sing like an angel!"  But he would just laugh in that rich voice of his and call me silly.  To me he was an angel. 

I always got teased by him because my hair was a fiery red and his was a mahogany brown.  He used to say that I was probably picked off an apple tree because apples held the same fiery shade.  That always got a giggle out of me.  Sometimes, I would tug my hair and compare the colours of our hair and how different they felt.  Mine was bright, baby soft and his was dark, gelled spiky.  It just reminded me how much different we were, in not just age and gender, but also in how we see the world.  But there was one thing—we both had the same set of values.

My heart misses him so much that sometimes it hurts.  I miss his pearly white smile and his deep laugh.  I miss the way his blue eyes would shine whenever he did something he was proud of.  And I loved the way he had a nickname for me.  "My Stella," he would exclaim on occasion.  I would just giggle because the word sounded so funny and exaggerated.  I never understood the significance of that until I was ten and I asked him what he meant by it.  He claimed that I was a star picked out of the very heavens and bestowed upon the James family.  I had to smile at that.

I tutor whenever I have the time.  I hold a job at my best friend's mother's café almost every night.  I have enrolled in voice lessons every weekend since I was five.  I go to dance class five times a week.  Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through this.  Why I commit myself to so many things that sometimes the load is overbearing.  But other times I understand why.  It's because whenever I'm doing one of these things, I don't have time to myself and I don't have to think about anything at all.  I put my full concentration into what I do, so I could have a means of escape from reality.  It works you know.

Nathan was only 19 when he died of a hereditary heart defect.  He didn't even get to finish college.  He didn't get to travel the world.  And he didn't get to fulfill his dreams of owning a house in the farthest corner of the Earth, which to him was Australia.  There are a lot of things that Nathan didn't get to do.  Before he died, I promised him that I would do them for him.  He laughed that wonderful laugh and told me to never give up. 

I will not die before I fulfill my promise.  

I will not die before I can prove myself.

I will not die …

_     -It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves._


	2. Chapter 1

**Lies within My Heart**

By: Meilin Li

Disclaimer:  The credit does not go to me.

Rated: PG

Pairings: Not decided yet.

**Chapter 1**

     Your days you say, they're way to long

     And your nights you can't sleep at all

     And you're not sure what you're looking for

     But you don't want to no more

          --Hold On   _Good __Charlotte_

_You know how things sometimes happen, but you don't know whether it's a dream or if it's real?_

_You know how the fine line of reality and hallucination gets uncertain with just one bizarre piece of news?_

_You know how sometimes, you don't want things to happen but they do anyway?  No matter how much you pray, how much you wish or how much you hope?_

_I do._

_I have no idea how this happened.  Just that it did.  It was only two days ago that I was watching the basketball practice without as much as a worry in my head.  But today, my head is a jumble.  It's such a huge mess that I can't even think as I write this.  _

_As usual, I was closing up the café … when I fainted.  I supposed it was due to the fact that I tend to overwork myself sometimes. Or so I thought when I woke up in the hospital bed with Lucas watching over me with this look in his eyes.  He really is my guardian angel.  _

_I had made the mistake of searching his blue eyes.  And at that moment, I knew.  He held so much intensity in his eyes that I had to look away and the grip he had on my hand was far too gentle for my condition to be nothing.  He wouldn't be here if it was nothing.  _

_He found me on the floor and rushed me to the hospital he said.  I asked him if I was dehydrated or something.  The answer was no.  I guessed for a while, holding my fear at arms length, joking with him, asking him if I had cancer.  But he said no again.  Finally after a few minutes I got frustrated of this little game we played and told him straight out to tell me.  And he did.  _The doctors said that my heart was failing me.  __

_Over the years, I've been a healthy girl.  I jog three times a week and I take a dance class five days out of seven.  I don't smoke or drink.  I try to avoid eating junk food whenever I can because I'm a strict believer of everything healthy, even though I work at a diner.  And I get as much sleep as I can every night, usually 9 hours.  So how can this even happen?  Is it real?  Or am I just dreaming? _

_I'm only 16._

_I don't want to die…_

The slick black pen fell out of Haley James' hand.  She just couldn't write anymore.  The tears that brimmed in her eyes made it harder to see by each passing minute.  The hiccupping sobs caused her body to twitch ever so often.  Her body refused to do anything, she felt drained.  

So there she laid, on top of sapphire blue bed sheets, eyes boring into the milky white ceiling.  Her messy auburn hair fanned out in a crimson halo, those chocolate brown eyes of hers were closed.  Why was this happening to her?  Where was the heart in this so called God of hers?  Where was the sympathy?

The doctors told her that she had an acute form of the same thing her brother died from, a hereditary heart defect.  But because of the advances in modern medicine, if they could find her a heart donor, they could give her a new heart.  Someone had to die in order for her to live.  It went against all her values.  And Haley didn't know if she _wanted the surgery even if it was an available choice for her. _

Sure she wanted to live.  She wanted to live more then anything right now.  But is it right for someone to die, just so she could live?  Haley knew that because of her condition, the doctors had bumped her up the waiting list for a potential heart donor, and that meant several people might not get their wish because her condition was more 'important' than theirs.  Was it ethical for her to stand in the way of someone else living?

All of this went against so many of her values.  But she couldn't give up because of a certain promise to a certain brother of hers.  _She would not die._

Closing her eyes once more, she took a deep breath, calming herself before she buried her problems under her.  She needed to get her mind off everything; her brain was in pain from trying to rationalize this problem of hers.  Eyes puffy and cheeks reddened, Haley picked up the phone and dialed that oh so familiar number.  

"…Lucas?  Up for a movie tonight?"

Her voice was surprisingly light.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

There is no need to test my heart, with useless space.

These roads go on forever and so do you and I.

So I'll hit the pavement its got to be better than,

waiting and pushing you far away cause I'm scared.

So I'll take my chances and head on my way up there.

Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten.

--Living in your Letters _Dashboard Confessional_

Haley rolled her eyes and sighed as Lucas snatched her books from her, "God Lucas don't you have somewhere to be? I'm not incapable of handling myself you know."

Mr. Broody himself had shown up on her doorstep that morning when she stepped out of the house, offering her a ride. Who could refuse?

Seeing the opportunity to spend more time with her now usually busy best friend, she had accepted with a smile.

But she had seen more of him in the last 48 hours then she had seen of him last week as a whole.

That in itself had made her realize a few things; like how much she missed those little talks they had, those little offhanded jokes about life and in general just his presence altogether. She missed _him_.

However the feeling of being overwhelmed began to snatch at her mind.

She realized that Lucas' sudden overbearing presence had to be because of something. And she had a pretty good idea of just what that something was.

A few days ago she had felt the strain of their relationship when he found out that Nathan had spent the night at her house. Lucas was infuriated that she would do something like that, even if nothing else but sleeping happened. He felt uncomfortable with Haley spending the night with some guy. It was just … wrong. As much as she tried to convince him otherwise, that nothing had happened between her and Nathan that night, she could tell he didn't believe a word further from her mouth then. And since then he had avoided her like the plague.

Now? Now, he was everywhere. Like a worried mother-hen. It would've been quite comical really, had it been another situation.

But the sudden attention was _a bit_ much.

It kind of felt like he was spending time with her because he was afraid she'd…be gone the day after.

She swallowed soundly to damp her parched throat.

However as Haley's eyes traveled up to his handsome face, trying to read him; it seemed that Lucas had forgotten about the whole ordeal. It was just as well. She didn't like it much when Lucas thought that she was lying to him.

A clingy friend is always better than a distant one, right?

Right.

"Haley?" There was a slight apprehension in his voice; and it rose as he called for her again, "Haley? Are you okay?"

Blinking as she refocused on the present, Haley nodded an affirmative, "Yeah just fine." She must have drifted off.

Lucas' brow went up and his jaw tensed as he too nodded albeit slowly. "If you're sure …" he trailed off purposefully, hoping that she would tell him what was going through her mind. But she didn't.

He parked then, close enough to the school this time to catch the happy-go-lucky faces of various groups of students loitering around campus in the early morning. What was that perturbed feeling tackling his stomach? It seemed to come so often now.

A sigh escaped from between his lips as he looked back at Haley, it was obvious now she wasn't going to tell him anything. What was he thinking? He made a move to climb out of his truck but paused and turned back to her when she placed a hand on his arm effectively halting him.

"Wait Lucas …" a wisp of her auburn hair was tucked behind her ear; a nervous habit. Her eyes focused on him for a moment and then on something behind him before once again refocusing on him. She was edgy.

He looked at her expectantly, his expression yielding in concern.

"I … Please don't tell anyone Lucas." There was a sort of pleading quality in how she stated that relative question and he had to look away. Did she even have to ask him? Wasn't it a given that he would keep it a secret because of their friendship anyway? That's what friend's do right?

"Yeah sure," he smiled one of those warm smiles reserved only for her and leaned in to give her a kiss on the forehead. She squirmed from under his affections and stepped out of the truck very abruptly.

A heavy silence hung in the air as she slowly stepped toward his side.

"I…just don't want anyone to know yet. You know?" When she finally spoke, her words were short and so un-Haley-like.

Lucas' head bobbed up and down again mutely as he concurred. But was his decision to consent to her wishes wise? It seemed that with every conversation they had, she was growing further away from him. She didn't even bother to try and explain herself anymore. Her spirit seemed dimmer somehow.

She was different lately; sort of distant and detached.

The scary thing? She was like this before they found out about her condition.

Ever since they met the 'popular' gang, Lucas felt as if their friendship had been rather awkward and sort of forced. She'd never talk to him about anything anymore. Not even about those little crushes she sometimes liked to babble on so much about.

What once was a beautiful budding friendship was now falling apart in its most resilient places.

And part of it was his fault.

Now this he realized a while ago and he wasn't about to deny the obvious. Basketball had taken up a lot of time. Well, basketball and girls.

His lips were pursed, forced together into a straight line. No he wasn't at all happy with the way their relationship was going. But he wasn't going to force it.

Lucas turned toward the school, just in time to see a frowning Nathan stalking toward them as the other boy's gaze flickered to him briefly. Nathan was obviously confused, if not frustrated.

"Haley," Nathan began as he reached Haley and Lucas, his brows scrunching together in bewilderment. "Where were you this morning? I was waiting for you since 6:30."

To both boys' surprise Haley barely acknowledged Nathan's presence; her eyes never met his, "You were?" And as she bent over to retrieve her books from Lucas' trunk, she shrugged, "I must've forgotten."

Taken aback at her sudden coldness, Lucas threw a warning glance at Nathan, who was trying to pick up his jaw from the ground. "_You forgot_?"

"Yeah so?" She was sounding surprisingly brash while tucking a wayward strand of hair behind her ear.

The next words were very careful as they slid out of Nathan's mouth uncertainly, "Is something wrong?"

"Hmm…nope," with that Haley began her stroll to the school, a carefree saunter in her step; leaving in her wake an incredulously gaping Nathan and a skeptical best friend.

"What the hell…" Nathan replied after finding his voice again while looking almost helplessly at his adversary.

Lucas shrugged slightly and let the first lie slip, "She must be having a bad day." The understatement of the year.

As Haley headed straight for her locker, her boots clicking soundly on the concrete floor, she closed her eyes for just a brief moment to compose herself.

Who knew keeping secrets would be this _hard_?


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Like I need to defend my own innocence

So what, I did it, I admit it, and I'm pleading the 5th

One more anthem for the know it all

I won't be standing up for long I better learn how to crawl

Learn how to crawl

--Flat on the Floor _Nickelback_

_I often dream. I dream of many things. From childish dreams such as playing with dolls and sitting on swings to horribly morbid ones such as my family getting into a huge accident and leaving me behind. All alone._

_But one dream I have every so often is of a handsome prince coming to save me from my reality. _

_With the gift of impeccable timing, he shows up when I'm in agony from impending pain. He would then sweep me off my feet and make everything all right again with a thousand sweet kisses._

_But life isn't a fairy tale. _

_No matter how much I pray, hope or want, I can't make this dream come true. I can't make it happen the way I want it to. If I could, none of this would be happening to me or anyone else for that matter. _

_Pain brings about heavy loads and questions. And it's not for everyone._

_I hope to God that I'm strong enough to overcome this._

_I hope I'm not everyone._

"Hey Haley?"

Broken away from her thoughts, the sullen girl looked up and smiled the plastered smile that had been coming so easily these past few days. "Peyton. Hey."

The blonde cheerleader let loose a wide smile, "I was wondering if you had any time to help me write an article."

Why couldn't anyone see that homework didn't matter to her anymore? That work does not matter? It was all so dull. Tedious. Boring. But...they can never know what she thought. She didn't want them to worry; even if the emotions were practically bursting from her chest. And so her reality lives on.

Haley's brows curved into a slight frown continuing her charade, "Article? For what?"

Peyton smiled sheepishly, "It's extra work since I can't go to the newspaper business this weekend."

The newspaper business? Haley wracked her brain for recollection of _that_ assignment and briefly it fluttered across her mind. Oh right. They had to go to the newspapers office and write something on it ... something she couldn't recall at the moment. Things were getting more and more difficult to remember sometimes.

"So what do you say?"

Oh, Peyton was still there. For a moment there she had forgot. Haley turned her eyes up to look at her, blond curls, stylish clothing and everything else _she _wished she was. Peyton was utterly perfect. It was unexpectedly disconcerting. Pushing her seat back and standing, she steadied herself with a hand on the table and flashed a strained smile. "Sure. Why not?"

Haley didn't miss the grateful look that twinkled across the other girl's face.

"Great!" Peyton replied while readjusting her glamorous hand bag on her shoulder. "I just need you to help me proof read it, that's all."

"Anytime. That's what I'm here for."

The blonde hesitated at what Haley said, for it came with a bitter look on the tutor's face, though only for a split second. Peyton was about to ask if something was wrong before feeling the intensity of another presence in the room. Peyton already had two guesses on who it might be. And it didn't come as an utter surprise when she completed her 180 to find Nathan Scott standing there looking quite somber.

Peyton's smile was subtle as she excused herself from the room, noticing the unexpected tension that had just built up.

The brunette boy could only nod to acknowledge the cheerleader as she breezed passed him and he forced the emotions from earlier that morning further beneath his interior. He wasn't going to get mad before he could get an explanation.

Nathan dared not speak as Haley began to pack her bag wordlessly, effectively ignoring him but he did venture closer, trying to do his best not to scare her off.

It wasn't until he reached out with his fingers that Haley really noticed how close he had gotten and recoiled from his touch. At that the concern in Nathan's eyes only grew to be greater as he studied her.

She tried her very best to ignore the tingle that was sent up her arm from that single touch and continued with her packing all the while avoiding his gaze. She didn't want to explain to him anymore than she wanted to explain to anyone else what in the world was happening to her.

"Please ... tell me what's wrong."

Those words couldn't have come at a more crucial time and it tugged at her heartstrings as she glanced briefly up at the younger of the Scott brothers.

The concern in his eyes only further fueled her decision however. Why drag him into this too? This was her problem, not his. If he was concerned now, it would be so much worse if she really did ... die. As much as she didn't want to admit it, her decisions could hurt him or save him.

And she couldn't hurt him.

"Look Nathan," backpack was slung over her shoulder as she looked tersely up at the basketball star, "Sorry, but I don't feel whatever we have is working out much so I'm going to find you a new tutor. And you can go back to your superstar life."

A little smile was given to him as she made her way over to the door. "Oh yeah, almost forgot. Don't bother trying to find out what's 'wrong' with me, because I can tell you now, nothing's wrong. So you can just forget your hero complex about trying to save me from whatever is 'ailing' me okay?"

Gone, just like that. Nathan shook his head as his jaw clenched and his fists did the same. Damn her. If she thought he was going to give up this easily? Well she had another thing coming.

He wasn't some stupid jock that was just going to ignore all the signals she was sending. There _was_ something wrong with her and he knew it. He just needed to find out what. And he knew exactly where to find the answers he was searching for. _Lucas._


End file.
